Dear brothers and sisters in the Lord, greetings:

I know that having no word from me for the past four months has concerned you. Yes, the situation would make people concerned, at least I think so. Thank you for continuing to quietly pray, and also for giving me a lot of direct encouragement and support.

After sending out the June prayer letter, I was still angry, tired, discouraged and losing sleep. I and others kept praying. The co-workers all around and friends supported me. In my heart I cried out: Oh my soul! Why are you downcast within me??

That's right, God knows my condition most clearly and knew how long I could endure. Finally, after returning to Hong Kong for home assignment, I encouraged myself: I finished the first term of service! Praise the Lord, this is worth celebrating. So, for three or four weeks I just ate (with family, church brothers and sisters, co-workers, old co-workers, friends, etc.), slept (sleeping whenever I felt like sleeping, although I found it hard to fall asleep in the evenings), and watching lots of serialized dramas on DVD . During the dramas, when someone would speak about the feelings I was feeling, I would cry. In the night when everyone was quiet, I would cry. This made those about me show concern and encourage me. In my heart I was not willing to be comforted . . .

While all this was going on, I was making an effort to find help, arranging time with people I could talk with, with those responsible for the mission, seeing a counselor, seeking people to pray for me, etc. It was a little like trying to save a patient in ICU, experts from each specialty being called to come and give opinions. However, healing of heart and soul does not come immediately, but rather slowly . . slowly . . slowly, gradually . . gradually . . gradually. One day I felt that the frantic feeling in the back of my mind and the heaviness in my forehead were gone; slowly . . slowly . . slowly, gradually . . gradually . . gradually, the darkest days began to pass and I could smile a little, although from time to time I would fall into the pit again; but, slowly . . slowly . . slowly, when I fell into the pit it was shallower . . shallower . . shallower and less often.

During this time God used various people and channels to help me, making me reflect on a number of things. Last week, for the first time, because I was reflecting on many, many brothers and sisters, no matter whether well known or those I'd never met, young or old, from different places who joined together in showing me love and acceptance, I was deeply moved, and this once again made me cry tears in the deep night when everyone was quiet; but this time they were not tears of hopelessness and depression, but tears of feeling God's grace.

I am starting to have a little energy, but when I consider returning to Cambodia and facing everything on the mission field again, I am shaking inside. I think that it is necessary to make a major readjustment, especially in regard to my own particular personality characteristics. . . I still haven't begun to think how that will be. I don't dare to say how it will happen. I have done too much and not allowed God to work. But, I know that He is leading and working.

It is nothing else, just Him, revealing my weaknesses, and then through various people using an abundance of love to wrap around and protect me. And making me face myself, no longer pushing the responsibility for not adjusting well onto other people or circumstances. I am now waiting for Him to use His Word to once again confirm His call and send me out. So, please pray for me.

Thank God, for your three years of love and prayer supporting me, this fragile member of the body, serving in Cambodia !

In the Lord,

Rebecca
5 October 2005